Xmas

     I have always had conflicted feelings towards Christmas, I hate it as much as I love it. I love spending time with my family, being on holidays, the Christmas spirit, the lights…it’s amazing going out at night and being surrounded by Christmas lights and children running and laughing. However, Christmas has this kind of sad aura for me, maybe it’s because it means another year is coming, in other words, it represents the passing of time. Perhaps, it’s that, even if I like the tradition of giving and receiving gifts, I have grown to dislike the greed and the fights because someone’s gift is better or bigger than someone else’s.

     I have reached the conclusion that I don’t care that much about gifts in Christmas, I love those ones that come from the heart. I mean, if someone gives me something because they want to see my face light up with a smile due to the fact that I’m holding in my hands a book that I’m dying to read or a CD that I can’t wait to listen, then I totally get it and support it; nevertheless, if someone gives me a present because it’s Christmas, so it’s mandatory, then they can keep their gift. I guess Christmas’ exchange of presents lost its magic the moment I discovered Santa Claus didn’t exist. When people ask me what I want for Christmas I answer with a bare nothing, because if I need something or I want something I’m going to buy it myself or ask my mom for it, I feel stupid asking for a flash drive or a memory card as presents. I don’t want to ask for something because I’m going to think about how much it costs, if it’s available here and other stuff that I don’t want to think about when I’m having a break from studying. If someone wants to give me something I’m gonna thank them, but hell, I don’t wanna thank anyone for buying me something that I thought of just to stop them from asking me again what I wanted, because then I feel like I’m thanking someone for their money. But of course I end up putting a smile on and pretending that I care, every year it’s the same, so I find it quite understandable me being sick of it. I love, conversely, giving presents, because I’m still not old enough to be expected to give them, so I can have fun and give my godparents something that I know they’re going to enjoy. That’s the difference I guess, having to give gifts or wanting to give them.

     Since I can remember, I’ve always been sad before Christmas Eve’s dinner or before NYE’s one and lately I didn’t even like when we were trying to sing some Christmas carols. I think my uncles and aunts have lost their Christmas spirit and think of our gatherings these days as any other family gathering. It breaks me to realize that I see part of my family more in Christmas than in the rest of the year, we live 20 minutes away, what on hell is preventing us from visiting each other more often?

     I thought this year was going to be the worst of them all, but for now, it has been the complete opposite. Maybe it’s due of my low expectative for it or that I am focus on other things, but I really am enjoying these days. I shouldn’t, but I have reached such a level of apathy that I don’t mind if my world is changing faster than a dog barks when you step on its tail so long as I can listen to music and get lost in my imagination. Weird, huh?

     But yes, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!